Fatal self neglect

[DavidBoren]

Back on the old Brass Eagle Owners Group forums someone was brave enough to post a stream of conscious thread called Need Some Venting Time. This thread has stuck with me since reading it in ~2001. It was multiple pages, very little punctuation, and saturated with grief and anger.

It was by someone who's friend had committed suicide. He talks about beating a wrench into a metal pipe until his arm went numb, building dirt bikes, paintball, and how the mother of his friend commented that he was the absolute best friend her son could have ever had... but the author was hurt by this comment, deeply, because he and his friend hadn't spoken in a year. No fight, just life, how good of a friend was he if he didn't... blah blah blah.

It was heartbreaking to read. And extremely powerful. I don't do it justice with my summary, but I don't have the copy of it anymore to actually post. Nor is it mine to share.

Upon reading it, though, or any such account from a surviving friend or family member... suicide isn't painless. It leaves a wake of suffering behind it.

Probably too many of us have felt that suffering in our lives as we lose our friends and family to suicide. It's important to reach out. We are all in this together.

The grief associated with suicide is very similar to the pain of watching someone self destruct. Surviving friends and family of people who die of drug overdose often experience the same suffering.

Punkcat, or anyone else for that matter, if you need to talk, I will listen... don't hesitate to call me. If I don't answer, leave a message and I will call you back as soon as I get the message. 503.995.0257

IGY6;

[DavidBoren]

Condolences, my friend.

Depression is motherfucker. I battle with it everyday of my life. And I can attest to how easily it leads to self neglect. My teeth are sadly evidence of my struggles and failures in this regard.

There's a point where everything becomes meaningless... what difference does it make if I shower or not? It's often accompanied by a feeling of detachment or seeming invisibility. Have you ever become so numb that you feel like you are phasing out of existence?

It's real. I'm unfortunately well acquainted with the feeling of not feeling. I was in a flat spin a few short months ago... but something clicked inside, and I quit drinking and pulled myself up by the bootstraps. Whatever it is that triggers self preservation instincts has saved my life before, too.

My first deployment, I was 19 then, broke me. To the core, shattered every piece of me. Nothing made sense anymore. There was supposed to be some divine logic to life in the universe, not God or anything, but it was supposed to make sense to someone. There is no sense to life. No underlying principles of reason. No method to the madness.

My young mind couldn't accept this new reality. And I almost gave up. I put a towel in my K-pot, and cut the tip off a tracer... didn't want any collateral damage or leave too much of a mess for others to clean up. I had the muzzle in my mouth, safety off, first stage of a two-stage trigger all taken up... I was THAT close when it, something, sprang to life inside me that I didn't know existed.

Jesus, my heart is racing just typing that. I don't think about that very often anymore. Fuck.

Life doesn't make anymore sense today than it did in 2006, but I have learned to adapt to a life without meaning. I take pride in conquering the day. Every day. Every morning I wake up, it's a day that I am allowed to live, and so I will fucking live it. I will be the one to make it out of Hellview.

It doesn't get better, you just keep putting the past further behind you. Eventually you get a stonecold resolve to make it through the day simply because you were given a day to make it through. There's no outside influence to guide that. There's no purpose that can be taken away from you and send you into a downward spiral. Just you and today. That's gotten me this far, at least...

I apologize for not knowing how to properly articulate this if it all came off as incoherent rambling.

[RAZRBAKK]

:wow:

Hope you are getting or working on getting help yourself...

Don't worry guys, I've dealt with it for well over 15 years and know when I need to speak to someone. I've got an appointment to speak with my doctor soon, unfortunately all the COVID stuff has really complicated things and slowed down the process.

[nerdcore]

It would seem most of us have had a similar experience with depression, whether it's a friend, family member, or ourselves.

My girlfriends cousin, 20 years old, hung herself last week. She had been battling depression for a while.

I've been suicidal in the past, even recently honestly.

From what I can tell, you have to want to get better but depression can be so strong that you simply don't believe you can. The cycle starts over again...

I'm sorry for your loss.

For you, and for everyone, talk to a doctor and a therapist if possible. Even if you don't have depression, it helps to have the assistance of a professional, with an objective point of view, make sense of how you're feeling and how events such as these have impacted you, wether you know it or not.

[Interl0per]

Don't be afraid to seek help, talking to a therapist and availing yourself of medical care is no more a weakness than getting stitches or setting a broken bone or tanking antibiotics, our brains are an organ that can experience disease like any other. There's practically no stigma attached anymore and you don't need to talk about anything you don't want to with a therapist if you go that route.

[punkncat]

My girlfriends cousin, 20 years old, hung herself last week. She had been battling depression for a while.

:wow:

Hope you are getting or working on getting help yourself...

[RAZRBAKK]

It would seem most of us have had a similar experience with depression, whether it's a friend, family member, or ourselves.

My girlfriends cousin, 20 years old, hung herself last week. She had been battling depression for a while.

I've been suicidal in the past, even recently honestly.

From what I can tell, you have to want to get better but depression can be so strong that you simply don't believe you can. The cycle starts over again...

I'm sorry for your loss.

[Rainmaker]

Sorry to hear it man.

[Interl0per]

Damn sorry to hear that, lost a very dear friend at 28 to shitty driving, a broken spirit sometimes never heals I pray for peace for both of you

[Tarsun2]

Sorry to hear.
Had a friend self destruct like that. Diabetes and a drinking problem.
He'd get a glass of cheap vodkaand then was it down with a decent chilled shot of vodka.
Boss stopped paying him on Fridays because he was nowhere to be found on Saturdays. Never managed his diabetes and drank from sun up to sun down.

he went on a particularity hard bender that finally did him in. He was found a day or so later under a local bridge by a fisherman....

some people dont have instinct of self preservation; and i dont understand it.

[bellicose]

We lost a family member to this recently. No one knew how bad it was until the body was found. Lucky, the autopsy said he died before hitting the floor, so it was at least quick.

[Grendel]

Very sorry you have experienced this. Unfortunately I have known a few individuals (past friends) that this has happened to and all were fully preventable with proper care and getting healthy. It is very hard to watch someone deteriorate over time, especially if attempts to help are rebuffed time and time again.

[Siress]

Condolences for your loss.

[JonM]

I feel you. I lost a childhood friend who I hadn't seen in many years just last year to a similar situation. He was only 45 at the time and according to his sister, his liver was completely shot from alcoholism. It's a damn shame what people can do to themselves. I'm sorry about your friend.

[Jonnydread]

Sorry to hear that man, it’s never easy losing a friend. You can lead a horse to water, but you sure as shit can’t make them drink.